Simple Solutions to Serious Problems: Childhood Obesity

I think that childhood obesity could be eliminated if we simply convince all the children of the world that ice is a dessert item. It would be so easy. Simply tell them all that ice-cold nothingness is a flavorful and delicious treat and then vehemently deny the existence of sugar. They’ll believe you and grow up in a world where they can have all the snacks and desserts they want, without the added pounds, health issues, hyperactivity and parental nagging. And by the time they figure it out, they’ll be well past the stage where it can really be considered “childhood” obesity – and, as an added bonus, will not be addicted to sugar! Problem solved. 

I understand it may sound crazy and impossible to consider keeping sugar and sweets a secret from kids, but let’s face it; sugar is pretty much the crack of your single-digit years. Something drastic must be done. We all know that many, many people have absolutely no problem allowing their children to believe that both an old man and a giant bunny break into every house on the planet one night a year. Or that someone is willing to pay good money and maybe a pack of sugarless gum for their teeth (someone who also breaks into the house at night). And I would argue that the majority of the country is currently denying the existence of homosexuality until their kids figure it out for themselves.  A whole population of actual people! 

Yet it’s ridiculous to think we might be able to keep sugar a secret?!?! At least when kids find out we lied about sugar, they can be comforted by the knowledge that we spared them from obesity. They can’t really get pissed at you for that. So I say, let them eat ice! But not just any ice - Icey Ice, the delicious and nutritious anytime treat!